Denethor's Educational Television Programme!
by Faramir Fancier
Summary: Denethor has gotten a TV show set to educate the Free People and Children of Middle Earth! Boromir, the co-host, provides the needed weirdness and Elrond provides the bad humor. Faramir becomes a scapegoat, and Arwen is the camera lady. Now could anything
1. Default Chapter

A/N: It's another one of ADSOL'S Crazy fics!! This one is in honor of school an everthing we hate about it! Yeah! Hopefully it will have everyting you so desire about my fics: Craziness, insanity, funniness...and all that jazz. And, it's not a serious fic, which is really good! Yeah!

**DISCLAIMER: **So, if I would own this, why would I bother writing a parody of it? And, no, I don't own any characters, places, names, etc., only Telivision Minas Tirith, and an obsessive amount of LotR related merchandise. I like to imagine I own Faramir, but alas, I don't so don't sue me!

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**Denethor and Boromir's Educational Television Programme**

**Episode One: 'The Secrets of Study Sucess!'**

"Hello, Boys and Girls!!" Denethor says. He is wearing a shirt that says, "I Break for Nerds!".

"Dad, must you wear that shirt in PUBLIC?" Boromir asks. He's sitting on the comfy chair next to Denethor.

"Oh, come on, lighten up! Anyway, I'm please to announce that through a very generous grant from the Elrond Education Foundation, Telivision Minas Tirith has made it possible to have me host this educational TV show to educate the children of Gondor, Rohan, the Shire, Mirkwood, Lothlorien, Rivendell, and all those other places where the cable lines go! Even Valinor, or so I'm told!" Denethor says.

"Wow, dad, that truly is fascinating!"

"Isn't it? Anyway, my goal is to help all the children be ALL THAT THEY CAN BE! And that means to teach them everything I know! For example, do you know what combustion is, Boromir?" Denethor asks.

"Eh, maybe..."

"That's a no! The people out there believe you on that one!"

"Well, is it my fault you didn't enroll me in school? NO! It's YOUR FAULT!"

"Ok, don't have a mumakil, just saying! Anyway, let me introduce you to the staff. We have Boromir, the co-host. And there's me, Denethor, the host. And then there's Faramir, who is the lab manager and all-around smart-ass." Denethor says. "Let's flip the camera over to Faramir, so he can show us around the educational lab area!"

"Thank you for the kind introduction, Dad. I feel so loved. Anyway, this is THE LAB. It's got everything needed to perform my dad's crazy experiments. I mean, the scientific experiments that the Gondorian Children's Welfare and Education Society seem to deem appropriate." Faramir explains.

"Yeah, got that right. Anyway, now I'd like to introduce our cameraman, Haldir of Lorien. And our esteemed producer is Celeborn." Denethor adds.

"Wow. Big crew!" Boromir says.

"And then Galadriel, co-producer. And Elrond, the really bad comedian! And Arwen, the other camera person!"

"We have 2 camera people??"

"Yep."

"Hey, dad, did you know that if you put everyone's initials, you get A B C D E F G H??"

"Wow, Boromir, you might be smarter than I think!"

"I find that unfunny, but I have a sinking feeling that somewhere out there people are laughing..."

"Anyway, dear first-born-beloved-kick-arse son, we're going to have a very educational and entertaining programme! Not that programme is spelled with an _mme _at the end, not like program, which is quite American and looks tacky." Denethor says.

Wow, Denethor talks a lot!

"Anyway, some fun things we hope to do is investigate the relationship of Elves and Mushrooms in Lorien, observe the gentle Shire Tiger, and see why Osgiliath's sewer system is good for the rare Dol Amroth Shark!"

"We have shark? Wow, it never ceases to amaze me that we have such a wide animal diversity. I didn't know the Shire had tigers!"

"You learn something new every day! Now, let's start with a very interesting topic: Fire!!!" Denethor says.

"How am I not surprised??"

"Anyway, fire is a really intersting substance! It can destroy whole things, like houses, cities, and--dare I say it?--people, in instants! Like, I think the town of Edoras burned in under 15 minutes!"

"Edoras BURNED??? Now what football team am I supposed to watch???"

"Chill, Boromir! And, no, that was just an estimate produced and virtually performed by the Rohirrim Science Association!" Denethor says.

"Well, I'm glad to know that the Edoras Chargers are still playing Football in the M.E.F.L. Maybe they can finally whoop the Helm's Deep Survivors!"

"Boromir, I'm shocked to see that you don't like the Minas Tirith Heroes! Surely you jest!!"

"No, actually, that's Faramir's team. Loosing team for the loser, you know?"

"I thought he supported the Osgiliath Arrowheads?"

"No, Dad, I'm wrong. He's for the Ithilien Rangers."

"Yeah...wait, that's Aragorn that supports the Heroes."

"Oh. Hey, Haldir, what's your team? In fact, let's ask EVERYONE on SET what their favorite football teams are!!!" Denethor says.

"Well, the Lothlorien Marchwardens!" Haldir says. (Get it? Haldir's the MARCHWARDEN? Ok, sorry.)

"The Caras Galadhon (did I get that right??) Kings!" Celeborn and Galadriel say.

"The Mirkwood Orc-Smashers." Elrond drawls.

"The Rivendell Rebels." Arwen says.

"That was FASCINATING!!! Anyway, now that we've wasted our viewers precious time talking about football, let's get on topic! Fire!"

"Hey, dad, not to be rude, but shouldn't you stay with the episode thing at the top of the page?" Boromir asks.

Denethor looks up to see **'The Secrets of Study Sucess!' **floating above his head in blazing purple letters.

"Oh! So I shall! Anyway, to be a sucessful student, you should always study ahead of time for tests! Don't wait until it's too late! Hey, that rhymed!" Denethor says.

"Dear lord," Boromir mutters.

"And, you should take good notes! It might help you to write you notes in a outline format, and in hot pink gel pens. Then they stand out. Write really important stuff in bright green and highlight it, underline it, and so on." Denethor says.

"Wow, that's helpful!"

"Did I mention that you should never fall asleep?? I mean, I did when my class studied palantirs, and I never was educated about them, and look what happened to me!!" Denethor says, as a flashback begins...

* * *

_A seventeen year old Denethor is standing in a room with a palantir, staring at it wide-eyed and intently. _

_"Whoa, man, it's just like a...marble or something! A really giant marble!! I want to touch it! It's so shiny!" Denethor says._

_Denethor walks over to the palantir stool thing and reaches a hand out to it._

_"It's so...pretty! I'm feeling...happy...which is a big deal! Dude, it's so shiny, and pretty, and, and, wow, man!" Denethor says. _

_Denethor's hand makes contact with the palantir and instantly, about 300 volts of electricity are sent through his body._

_"Dude, it's just like that thing at GameWorks!!!" He yells, as he enjoys the bit of electricity shooting through him, giving him a quite lovely afro.

* * *

_

"Dad, are you sure we should show that to the little children?"

"Eh, who cares? I mean, no, that's just what happens if you don't study! Study!"

"Funding for the program provided by the EEF, and ELFCO united." The announcer voice thing says.

"I'm not done!"

"Yeah, dad, but the time slot is filled!"

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A/N: All right, so it was a bit weird. Boromir and Denethor do most of the talking, due to the fact they're the hosts. But we'll get on with science stuff eventually. Leave me a review! Flames or something like it will go to Denethor.


	2. The LongAwaited Chapter Two: Into the Sw...

A/N: Sorry about the wait on this chapter. Anyway, now that we're all back together, we can watch as Denethor and Boromir go...do something educational that no one really cares all that much about.

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_**Chapter Two: Welcome to a Swamp!**_

_In a Swamp..._

We see our intrepid 2 man crew, along with Haldir and Arwen, trekking through a swamp. Denethor looks positively contented, everyone else looks upset.

"Ok, Denethor, I think you can stop walking!" Haldir says.

"Well, well, aren't we crabby!"

"Denethor, can't you just start talking? Please."

"Ok, ok, Arwen. Hey, did you and Aragorn get that divorce yet?"

"Er...should we talk about this on Public Television?"

"Maybe, Arwen. I mean, the Elvish Entertainment Station already did a whole feature on it." Haldir interjects.

"You actually watch that CRAP??" Arwen screams.

"Well, it is true, isn't it?"

"Can we please get back to the topic?" Arwen asks, looking at everyone with the Look of Death.

"Ok.... Welcome, Home Viewers and Children to A SWAMP! But this isn't any old swamp! It's a Swamp in the General Area of the Anduin Irrigation System!" Denethor beams, smiling crazilly.

"Wow. If that's not one for a Christmas Card, I don't know what is." Arwen says, snapping a photo with the Polaroid.

"Boromir! Get over here! Help me look through this murky water for anything interesting!"

They look around, with Arwen and Haldir arguing over the price of fine elvish wine at Celeborn's Discount Liquor Mart.

"Hey!!! Look at this!"

The group runs over to where Boromir is pointing in the water.

"Look! A message in a bottle! Ain't that cliche?"

"Open it!!!"

Boromir pulls the bottle out, with about 20 years worth of alge and mud on it.

"EEW! Don't let it touch me!" Haldir squeals.

"WHAT? Tickets to an Edoras Chargers football game??? This is TRULY INSANE!!"

"Aren't they expired???"

"Hmmm...seem to be still good! Hey, dad, can we go and teach the kids about how to play football? Please?" Boromir says.

"Well, sure! That'll be the next episode!"

"But I thought we were going to explore caves on our next episode??" Arwen says. "Gimli got us onto a special tour!!!" Arwen says.

"Hmm, can't we cancel??"

"Well, let me call him, maybe we can get on a tour on a later date." Arwen muses.

"Hmmm, that might work. Yep, that'll do."

"Good! I'll go get the tickets!"

"Get 8!!"

"All right!" Boromir runs off to place the order.

"Hello, is Gimli there? No, this is not his girlfriend!" Arwen says, talking in her cell phone.

Everyone else laughs.

"Hello, Gimli? Hey, it's Arwen. Yeah, about the tour...can you get us on a later date? We just realized we have a conflict.... Self guided??...you mean you leading us...No? Like, us leading ourselves? Oh, ok, not that then. Ok, so you will be leading us? Good. We'll take that. Thank you!" Arwen says, sounding very preppy.

"Dear lord.."

"Thanks, Gimli!!! You're the best!"

"No, he's not..." Haldir mutters.

_After 30 minutes, back at the TV studio..._

"Ok, crew, we're going to an Edoras Chargers Football game." Denethor explains.

"And whom might they be playing??" Elrond asks.

"Er, Boromir??"

"The Shire Bar-flys." Boromir says.

"Oooh, that'll be a good match!"

"Hey! Shut up! I'm watching the Dunadains Live in Concert!" Arwen screams.

"Ooh, isn't that hottie Elendil in there??"

"Oooh, yeah! I LOVE YOU!!!"

"Maybe we should go to one of their concerts next!"

"And teach the Kids how to Mosh??" Faramir says.

"And I thought my wife loved me..." Celeborn muses.

"Maybe I don't!" Galadriel says.

"This is just weird."

"That's what I said when my dad said he wanted to film this show!" Faramir says.

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A/N: Yeah, weird, but...well, what else is new? Anyway, in our next episode, we shall go to the Football (American Football) game. A totally freaky experiance shall be experianced by all. Anyway, see you at chapter three! 


	3. How to get Lost in a Football Stadium

A/N: Hello! I'm back with this story!! No I didn't forget it! Anyway, as promised, we're going to an American Football Game. A truly enlightening experiance will be experianced by all!

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_**Chapter/Episode 3: How to Get Lost in a Football Stadium**_

_At the Studios aka Denethor's Basement aka Faramir's House..._

"All right, group, are we all present?" Denethor asks.

"Well, I mean, why are we here?" Galadriel drawls.

"Honey, don't stress, you might hurt yourself again. Remember what happened when Frodo came over?" Celeborn says.

"You mean the fact that I got preg----" Galadriel says, but Celeborn covers her mouth.

"YOU WHAT? GRANDMA!!" Arwen screams.

"WHAT?" Elrond screams.

"I mean, haha, forget I even said anything. I'm intoxicated." Galadriel says.

"Well, we're all here." Haldir says.

"Hey, why is Boromir not here? I mean, it is his football game." Faramir says.

"Good point, kiddo. Maybe you should look for him." Denethor says.

"But don't ditch me like you did when you and mom and Boromir went to see the Dunadains in concert."

"You did WHAT?" Arwen screams, pulling herself away from her copy of Teen ME Elf and looking at Denethor and Faramir.

"Yeah, you saw who in concert?" Galadriel asks, getting that dreamy look in her eyes.

"Well, Dad and Mom and Boromir went to see the Dunadains. Mom liked that drummer, Arathorn, and Boromir just liked the music and dad just went because mom went." Faramir says.

"Well, run along now and get your brother." Denethor says.

Faramir runs up the stairs to Boromir's room and knocks loudly.

"BOROMIR! OPEN UP!"

"What?" Boromir asks, opening the door.

"Well, we're leaving..."

"Leaving? Er, hold on a moment..." Boromir says, ducking back inside.

"What on Earth are you doing?"

"I was watching a re-cap of the Charger's last game against the Valinor Vala." Boromir says. "I got in the betting pool at work."

"But this is our work. We have a betting pool?" Faramir asks.

"Well, yeah. Can I put you down for a bet?" Boromir asks.

"Er, no thanks. I think we're gonna be late if you don't hurry up!" Faramir screams.

"Fine, fine, don't have a freakin' cow or anything." Boromir says, as they walk down the stairs.

They walk back to the main area thing where everyone else is. They all start to head out, when...

"FARAMIR OF GONDOR!! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT LEAVING UNTIL YOU CLEAN UP THIS MESS!!!" Eowyn screams down the stairs.

"Whoa...what's her problem?" Denethor asks.

"I hate this...CLEAN IT YOURSELF!!! IT'S AS MUCH YOUR HOUSE AS IT IS MINE!!!" Faramir says.

"YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT!!" Eowyn screams.

"Are you guys married yet? Because if Aragorn is gonna be free, you can just hitch her up with him and get Arwen." Elrond says.

"I HEARD THAT!" Arwen says.

"What? Dearest, it's best for you!"

"So, I'm supposed to marry someone 5,000 years younger than me?? For Eru's Sake, he's only 36!" Arwen yells.

"You say that like it's a bad thing." Faramir moans.

"Well, I mean, at least Aragorn was 87!"

"Oi vay..." Boromir says.

"Look, can we just go? You guys can start the car, and I'll climb out the window and I'll get in the car and then we'll drive off." Faramir whispers.

"You have to leave your house this way every day??" Arwen asks in shock.

"Well, I figure that Eowyn's too busy trying to cook upstaris, and the smoke from the stove is really black, so yeah, I get out alright." Faramir says.

The rest of the Crew leaves, Arwen putting new film in her Polaroid and Elrond reading a 5,000 year-old-plus joke book. Boromir has his Chargers jersey on and Galadriel and Celeborn are talking about something pretaining to their little Kingdom of Lorien.

They start up the car. Suddenly...

"SNEAKING OUT??? Well, DON'T EXPECT ME TO COME BACK! I'M LEAVING!!! AND I MIGHT JUST HOOK UP WITH ARAGORN, BECAUSE THAT SNOTRAG ARWEN IS GETTING DIVORCED!! MY EVIL PLAN IS WORKING!!!" Eowyn screams, packing a suitcase.

"SNOTRAG? THAT SNOTTY BI----" Arwen screams.

"Arwen, control yourself!" Haldir says.

"Thank you, Haldir."

"I'M LEAVING, FARAMIR!" Eowyn says, walking out.

"Well, that made my life either a lot easier or a lot more complicated." Faramir says.

Eventually, they all start driving off to the game.

_At Theoden Stadium..._

"Tickets please. Tickets!" says Ticket Collector 2.

"Here." Boromir says, handing the man the 8 tickets.

"Thank ye, sir. Box seats are that way. Follow the neon sign. You can't miss them."

The group heads off.

"Wait...he did say the neon sign? Or the Xenon sign?" Boromir asks.

"Why don't you ask for directions?" Galadriel says.

"I don't need no stinkin' directions." Boromir replies.

"Men," Galadriel says.

"It's your funeral." Arwen says.

_Twenty minutes later..._

"I'm sure he said NEON SIGN! Are you THAT DENSE??" Haldir screams.

"Boromir, just give us our tickets and we'll find it." Faramir says.

Faramir, Galadriel, Haldir, and Arwen grab their tickets and march off, following the neon sign. (No, Faramir and Haldir are NOT being girly, they're being smart)

"Haha. We're men, we'll find our way..." Boromir says.

"Actually, I'm only half-man." Elrond says.

"What's your other half, then, girl?" Denethor says.

"NO! I'M ONLY HALF HUMAN! I'M HALF ELF!" Elrond screams.

"And I'm an Elf." Celeborn interjects.

"WHATEVER! Nitpickers will be fried and burned!"

"Burned? What's this about burning?" Denethor asks, snapping to attention.

"SHUT UP!! Look. The game is starting soon. We have to get to the seats." Boromir says. "This is a matter of life and death."

"I thought it was a matter of seeing men run around in really tight pants?" Elrond asks.

"Elrond...that was perverted." Boromir cringes.

"Shame on you, son-in-law." Celeborn says, shaking his head disgustedly.

"WHATEVER! Look, we really have to try to find the seats and stop hanging around! Let's go!"

The men (and half-elves and elves) run towards a large neon sign.

_In the Box Seats with Haldir, Faramir, Galadriel, and Arwen (about 2 minutes later)..._

"This is exciting!! Move over, Faramir, I wanna sit next to Haldir!" Arwen says.

"What if Aragorn heard you now?"

"Well, we may or may not be getting a divorce," Arwen says. "And besides, Haldir is cute!"

"WHAT? ARWEN! You're MARRIED!" Faramir says, nearly falling out of his chair.

"So, Faramir, I talked to your brother a few days ago." Galadriel says.

"That's...wonderful?"

"Isn't it? He's kinda cute, you know."

"GALADRIEL! You're MARRIED to CELEBORN!" Faramir says, nearly falling out of his seat (again).

_15 minutes later..._

Faramir is returning with 10 Hot Doggies (I own that company...) and 4 large Icees.

"Mmm, Coca-cola Icees!" Galadriel says. "Gimme!"

"Oooh, Straberry Icee!" Arwen squeals.

"Lemon Lime Cherry Icee!" Haldir says.

Faramir passes out the Icees. He then hands out 1 hot dogs to Arwen, 2 for Haldir, 2 for himself, and 5 to Galadriel.

Suddenly, Denethor, Boromir, Celeborn, and Elrond burst in.

"See? Told you we'd make it!"

"Yeah. 17 minutes late?"

"That is IRRELEVANT!"

"Sure. Just sit so we can watch the game."

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A/N: In our NEXT episode, we'll have the actual Game and then some! So leave a review if you like! 


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